The worst of the firsts

[ellestra]

The winners (loosers?) of the 2012 The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. These awards are given to the worst first sentence in a book and is named for Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton who opened his novel Paul Clifford with "It was a dark and stormy night". It wasn't a cliche then but it is now so he became a patron of all of those who start badly.

This year's overall winner is Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England for this:

As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

There are also winners in individual categories: Adventure, Children’s Literature, Crime, Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Purple Prose, Romance, Science-Fiction, Vile Puns and Western. There are also various Runner-Ups and Dishonourable Mentions for many of the categories plus some Miscellaneous ones and Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award.

It makes for quite a dreadful read and it's hard to consume at once however my favourite is this SF Runner-Up:

The real problem with the “many universes” interpretation of quantum mechanics is that if it’s true, then somewhere, in some universe, anything you can possibly imagine has already happened, which means that somewhere, another version of me has already finished writing the rest of this science-fiction novel, so I’m not feeling real inspired to do it myself. — Steve Lauducci, Bethlehem, PA

However, I really think that John Scalzi was robbed. None of them had really said "It was a dark and stormy night" quite like him.